A Rare Smile (This one's for you Sara and Erica!)

Our boy John, two year old, malnutrition. His mom died and dad is no where to be found in Dominican Republic. His aunt takes care of him now (sort of). He came to us more than a month ago with swollen feet and ribs you could see through his chest. He thinks Annelies is his mom now and follows her all around the hospital while we do rounds (mostly crying at her feet to pick him up).

The valley below our house after the hurricanes. Obviously it's beautiful now, but you can see how much the water took if you've been here before.

The face of malnutrition

Peterson
I couldn't resist this taking this photo. Check the Unicef shirt. A little too much irony for me.

more humor to keep us sane:

-Last Sunday (our day off right?) a tap tap rolls into the clinic. Annelies and I were there already doing other things. An old man who can't pee...3 or 4 days...and the bladder is so big. Only in Haiti as my saying goes: I put a catheter in while sitting on the bench of the tap tap so the old man could stay right where he was (I mean how much useless pain and sweat would be spent on moving the poor man inside? come on!) And success...pee sorti and all went home happy...

-We had a new patient yesterday afternoon. A mule. AnneMarie has this super soft spot for animals and when she saw this mule on the road, hobbling under it's load, she brought it to the clinic to get whatever it was out of his foot. After a lot of holding, sweat dripping, and a few screams when the mule got a little agitated, I think it was Guarland who got most of the embedded rock out of the hoof, using surgical tweezers and whatever else, and fully garbed in her scrubs.

-We know we are all a little bit on edge or at the end of "one of those kind of days" when Dustin goes on a killing spree. You know it when you walk into the kitchen and get a huge wiff of Raid and dinner conversation revolves around how to build a moth trap around our light bulbs. But the kicker is only for rare occasions - we turn off all the lights and light the gas stove and watch all the moths burst into flames!

random thoughts

Part of an email I wrote to my sister that I realize would double as a good blog:

I got sick on Friday, but slept like 11 hours that night so now am feeling a little better. I don't know what was up, nauseated, bloated, headache, and whole body aches. It kind of felt like something bad inside needed to sorti, but nothing happened, ha! I'm feeling ok. I just get really frustrated from time to time. But I think it's a healthy frustration. Frustration that this whole world is messed up. And seeing the faces of kids suffering just makes you feel it even more. And it's hard when you can't do a lot for them. There's one boy in the hospital now. I don't know if he'll make it, but he is suffering now. His name is Peterson, he is 2.5 years old (I wrote on my blog his name was Lorenson at first, but we got his name wrong). Malnutrition, but his whole body is swollen now and and the skin around his penis and in his groin is all sluffing off. ugg. That right there is hard to watch. oh, but how I love him. He has a spirit, he's always fighting. He even bit me once when I was trying to do the NG tube with him! I'm surprised he is still with us even now, so maybe there is still hope, I don't know. Anyway, just wanted to tell you a bit about him. He's probably the hardest thing for me right now. But there are good things too. A lot of the malnutrition kids are getting better, and the tb patients are always getting better. I realized last night that God has given me family here too. I was sitting outside the hospital with one of my best friends at the hospital - the 55 year old mother of one of the tb patients, and I guess I was just feeling a little empty and missing people. She just put her arm around me and I was thinking, woah, I have a mom here when I have to be away from my mom. Oh it was a nice realization. Ok, well anyway, enough sap for now.

Friday October 17, 2008

The hospital is full. We've cleared out another room and found some beds somewhere (thanks to Rob and AJ). We counted this morning: 33 patients. Some are two kids in one family and so are sharing a bed. It's a wierd feeling when you don't even know everyone's name. The two big rooms in the front of the hospital have basically turned into a pediatric ward (I guess I can never get away from it). I think we have 10 kids we are treating for malnutrition now. Here are some highlights of the past few days:

- AJ's dad came last week for a quick visit. AJ and I pounded him about what's going on back at home because we've been in the dark so long. A lot of frustration with hearing about all the financial and political stuff going on there (especially through my lens of Haiti).

- Marty brought me my new camera, let's just say I'm going a little crazy after not having one that worked for more than a month (my dad called that one)

- One of our malnutrition kids, John, smiled for the first time I had ever seen him. I pretty much freaked out. Usually he has this look on his face that says: you are the most pathetic human being on earth.

- We sent Love home, the 4 year old that we drained 4 liters out of her belly last week. After the second ultrasound, AM thinks it is a kidney problem and we can do nothing for her. We don't know how much longer she will survive.

- Today Annelies and I set out walking to Ba Moustique to find a sick baby that never returned to the clinic to be hospitalized (what her dad told us he was going to do). We didn't find her however. The true essense of nursing I must say: trudging through the heat to find a sick baby! It was a good trip nonetheless. We sat at the third water faucet for quite some time chatting with the people there (and putting in our plug about family planning).

- Feeling so thankful that Annelies is here. I don't know how any one of us could do this on our own.

Oct 12: Some Raw Feelings

It feels like I'm getting more and more frustrated and so easily annoyed each day. I'm here for the Haitian people and to work but find myself wanting to be lazy or just waiting for the last surgery to be over for the day. Or find myself cringing when I see another baby or obviously malnourished child walk through the door. That's the thing I don't understand. Why don't I feel more compassion for them? I don't know why I feel the way I do. Maybe it's that there is no clear-cut tangible way to treat them - and what we do is so sticky, complicated, and mostly hard because we have to rely so much on the parents to do it (and we don't see a lot with our own eyes) and so many are not the brightest. Oh I'm sorry but it's true. I have to understand it's a system problem, but my frustration still comes out. And oh I'm trying to figure out the cause of it all - we have a lot of 2 year olds, they are picky anyway, lack of protein in everyone's diet, and it's always those who have stopped with breastfeeding recently (the mothers stop when they are pregnant again) - that transition is the problem.

And oh Peter, he really gets to me. I think we will lose him, but he's a fighter. I feel guilty because I feel I should try more or harder but don't know what else to do. He was suffering so last night - laying with his mom calling for her, moving as if he was in such discomfort he couldn't sit still. Oh please heal his body, give him an appetite. But I think I need some compassion for today - I am lacking.

Tues Oct 14, 2008

Feeling a bit defeated today. The hospital is full. We've even pulled a few beds from depots to add in some of the rooms. 27 patients, half tuberculosis, half malnutrition. It's overwhelming and frustrating. As soon as we have an open bed, it's taken that day by a new patient. And its all so odd...we have so many being hospitalized just because they need to eat. Ugg...it's getting ridiculous. Pray that we could all have patience with it all.

Tues, Oct 14, 2008

Feeling a bit defeated today. The hospital is full. We've even pulled a few beds from depots to add in some of the rooms. 27 patients, half tuberculosis, half malnutrition. It's overwhelming and frustrating. As soon as we have an open bed, it's taken that day by a new patient. And its all so odd...we have so many being hospitalized just because they need to eat. Ugg...it's getting ridiculous. Pray that we could all have patience with it all.

Thursday October 9, 2008

This week has been frustrating to say the least. Three new kids admitted to the hospital this week. The hospital is full so we have some staying at the beds in the clinic. I'm not sure what we are going to do tomorrow with the surgery patients who need a bed too.

Tuesday delivered us a 4 year old girl with the biggest ascites (water in her abdomen) I have ever seen in my life. Not a lot of things shock me much, but when I laid eyes on this little girl, I pretty much stopped in my tracks. Her whole legs were completely swollen as well most likely due to the swelling in her belly that is constricting blood vessels at her groin. The cause of all this we are still not sure. AM felt we had to work fast because the girl was already having trouble breathing. So, we spent the whole morning draining her stomach via IV catheter puncturing the abdomen. Four liters later... ugg...I was frustated and just getting angry. This girl had been sick for a month and the mother had already taken her to the witch doctor. I guess we were her last hope. I just don't understand. She is so small underneath all her swelling. Her face is probably the size of a newborn and her arms are thinner than two of my fingers. Seeing her in that state, revived the hatred I feel toward the evil one who has ravaged this country.

Wednesday, I took our newest malnutritioned patient to the clinic for the day to tube him and give him the new formula we are trying to make for these kids. Kwashiokor is so ugly because the kids are so lacking in protein that their body starts to well up. Feet, hands, face, etc. They never want to eat and have the worst mood on the planet. So...we thought we would try our new plan with Lorenson, our newest Kwash kid who is 2.5 years old. I think it took three people to hold him down while putting in the tube and then someone had to hold hiim the entire day so he wouldn't pull it out. It was a challenge and by the end of the day I was covered in vomit and completely exhausted from fighting him (we bandaged his hands at one point, but still had to hold him and his hands the entire day - and this little one never was still or quiet). At the end of the day, it all felt futile since he threw up most of what we gave him...all that hard work. Oh... it's so frustrating. They don't eat, fight and hit you, and then in the end throw up everything that went down the tube. This battle is a hard one.

Then today, guess what walks in the door... I always want to turn and walk the other way when I see the babies coming in with their swollen feet. Yep a new one today - an 18 month old boy. Now he is staying in the clinic since the hospital is full to the max right now.

Anyway, you can all pray for patience for us and strength to keep going...and for more milk to arrive..

Sunday October 6, 2008

Another adventure in Ryna land here, but this one was initiated by AJ. He decided he wanted to go on a hike today and I decided to go too, one because I just wanted to and two because I thought it would be better not to leave him wondering the country side alone in the middle of Haiti. And I can now say (after the fact) that it was pretty awesome. We had the end goal of this mountain in the distance but I'm pretty sure it never got closer even though we hiked for two hours towards it (AJ would probably say otherwise here). The beautiful thing about Haiti is there are trails all over the countryside; but even still we had a few dicey moments when we were walking through grass over our heads and through some gardens (don't worry, everyone is friendly and response well to the white people trying to speak creole, ha!). Everyone we passed wanted us to come and sit at their house and we did for a few moments at one house because we had to pass through their houses. We did however, have a second dicey moment when we were trying to get back. I think we realized we may have mis-shot a little when we were following a path home and everyone walking towards us said they had come from Post Mitche, woops. Anyway we ran into some people we knew who lead us to the big road. By then I knew exactly where we were, but it was a ways to go yet. We almost toughed it out walking through the heat, but finally caved when a tap tap driver stopped and said he'd give us a free ride because he was friends with Anne Marie. Ha! And to make the day even better the bakery had cold cokes today...

The day didn't stop there though because as soon as I had been sitting back in the kitchen for about 5 minutes we hear Anne Marie needed some help as she was trying to prepare for a medical team coming (that day and staying for just one day) and trying to hold down the fort with random people coming to the clinic on a Sunday afternoon. We went to go prepare dinner for her and the team. However, pretty much as soon as the team came, guess what...two deliveries came too. Let's just say it wasn't the best day for AM because she had been up since 2:30am doing another delivery and had to field another helicopter that came in today. And so we finished the day with two babies born within 10 minutes of each other. I think we were all beyond fatigued and a little drained (and can we say sunburned again?)

Another Pocket of Joy

Friday morning I woke up at 5:40, sat outside (in my hooded sweatshirt, thank you Jesus) with a cup of coffee and my ipod. Oh Lord thank you for the escape of music and Stop/Start by The Pale and not to mention the beauty that has taken over Haiti since the hurricanes; so vibrant and green....

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Holy crap. The tears have come, which I'm glad for but my heart is so heavy right now. Perhaps all the talks with everyone and how Jeb seemed so disturbed when he visited the hospital last night, is helping me process all this. Before I was like: this is what I see everyday. But last night something hit me. I cried...hard...images of Wilinson laying in his bed, legs spread because his testicles are so swollen he can't lay any other way (all due to severe malnutrition), his face grimacing in pain. No four year old should have to endure this. Images of Lovenie, her swollen face at the end. Calim...Perhaps its starting to haunt me, but I would rather feel something than nothing at all. This has all taken me by surprise somehow.

Lam 2:11-12 is ringing true.

Tuesday, September 29, 2008

Some euphoria with new visitors that arrived today. Especially with seeing the Haitians who didn't know they were coming. Jeb and Michael came for a few days to help Rob with the housing project - to see what's happened here and to get an idea of what the houses will entail.

Oh my goodness (as Luke would say apparently), we may have all gained some pounds after a few chocolate pigfests. But oh, the apples taste pretty dang good after not eating one for three months (Thanks Michael). And Ashlee...thanks for the hug and the jar of PB. Jef def delivered both successfully. It was nice to have some good conversation, laughs, and general good humor with a house full of guys. But seriously, I feel encouraged to be here. I'm learning Jeb has a gift in giving encouragement to people. Today and lately I'm getting a glimpse of what Jesus promised in Mark 10:29-31. Something about it just fills you up. More pockets of joy amidst life here. And also it's good to have people here who are not so accustomed to what I see everyday and may have become numb to. Hearing Jeb talking about Haiti gives me new perspective again. And I think it's true what he said: if you don't love and hate Haiti in the same breath, you don't know Haiti at all. And if anyone thinks he understands Haiti you can make a pretty good guess at how ignorant he is...

Monday September 29, 2008

Finally, I got to get off the home front for a while. Today Frer Jal, AJ and I took a trip into LaPointe to the House of Hope to bring Isaac, the twin of Hannah, to stay until he will be adopted out. We also took one of the boys from the hospital for an xray of his arm at the hospital there. It was quite an adventure, again. Any time you venture to transport anywhere, it is bound to be so. The travel involved tap tap, boat, mototaxi (riding on the back of the motorcycle holding on for dear life) and tap tap again. And that was just one way. Sometimes I forget how odd all this is, but I got a glimpse of it when I looked down and saw mysel,f holding Isaac (almost one month old now) sitting in the boat crossing the river because the water is too high to cross via tap tap, feeding him a bottle in one hand and bucketing out the water in the bottom of the boat with the other hand and looking out at both shores seeing the crowds of people watching (I mean that would be pretty entertaining). I'm just glad Frer Jal carried Isaac on the moto and all I had to hold onto was my bag and the motorcycle. It was a successful day though. X-rays done, showing the House of Hope to AJ, talking with Jenny about how they are treating malnutrition there, and returned in one piece. I also wanted to go just to see the land outside of PC and see the effects of the hurricane first hand. It looked that the area around PC was the worst. The three rivers you cross to get here looked completely different. Hardly any green around them now, but just a wide river surrounded by clay clifts and rocks. One the other hand it was a little uplifting because the rivers are passable by car now and all the gardens I saw now have banana trees growing about knee high or higher. There is hope. I hear perhaps in January the gardens that were just replanted after the hurricane will begin to produce crops.

Not Another Normal Sunday

Today was quite exciting. We heard in the morning that a helicopter was coming to drop food. We waited for a long time in the field by the school, but nothing. We finally got a call they would be arriving in an hour. And when we finally heard the chopping of a helicopter coming, it was ex....citing!!!!!!! It was awesome to see. The biggest helicopter I've ever seen in my life land in this place. A big UN on the bottom and WFP on the side (World Food Program). I'm pretty sure AnneMarie walked under the nose of the thing. All of us were there for "security" (ha!). After it took off (Annelies and I covered, I mean covered in dirt from the wind of it taking off) we heard 5 more were coming to make drops today, so we ended up staying in the field most of the day. Can you say sunburn?

We will not be the ones handing out the food, which I am so glad for, but it will make the clinic busier since people are associating us with food hand outs now.